I don't even know where to start. First of all, I guess, I think I am becoming enmeshed with my clients. After the huge drama the other night, I have felt much closer to everyone. Seeing people in a panic situation brought out a startling, fierce loyalty in them to which I am simply not accustomed. While I certainly felt flattered (which isn't the right word, but close to it) that all those residents, even the pregnant women, jumped to my defense the other night. I was talking with one (the woman whose water broke) tonight about it a little, and she said to me, "The only reason I was standing in that room was to make sure you were okay, I had to get your back." I almost cried. Look what happened to her that fucking night! And also, last night, my boss called "just to see how I was doing," as though I'd be traumatized or something. Like I was the one whose water broke, or who almost got her face bashed in. We got into a really long discussion about everything that had happened. She told me that the day afterward, she'd had a meeting with all the residents to see how they were feeling. In that same meeting, she also politely instructed the group to, in the future, clear the area when they see violence or any sort of aggression starting to break out. She said she couldn't risk having them in danger, like the other night, etc. However, instead of immediately complying as they usually do with my intimidating boss, a bunch of people apparently spoke up. Two of "my guys," insisted that they would not leave me by myself with an angry man. I guess they argued about it for some time, because my boss actually revised her direct order, and told them that if they felt they needed to, they could get me to my office safely, but afterward must immediately go to their rooms and lock the doors. I just keep replaying the night in my head, seeing all those residents, who by no means had to even be near the altercation, jumped to my defense, and put themselves at risk to make sure I was okay. I am unnerved that this ultimately resulted in chaos and a really unsafe situation overall, but since then, things have been different around the shelter. I feel really close to the residents, which may or may not be dangerous (though I know it's inappropriate), and I can see that they feel the same. I have been approached by several people in the last few days, all just wanting to talk about the other night. Also, residents have been opening up to me about other facets of their lives, which brings about the "Angry!" title of this entry.

First, I was watching some Stephen King movie with three of my shadows (three female residents, one being the broken-water pregnant lady, have claimed me as a BFF of sorts). One of the girls went to get a drink, and the pregnant lady looked toward the door and muttered, "Here comes her abuser." I was shocked. The newest addition to our little "friend" group, a meek, tiny pregnant woman, had also gotten up, to answer the front door for her husband...one of "my guys" who is "watching my back" in light of last Saturday. I asked the broken-water lady what she meant, and she looked at me like I was completely naive. "Don't tell me you didn't know." She said. True, I knew he was in a gang. I also knew he was an ex-felon. But he just got a job and finished his GED. He seems like a sweet guy, and had a huge problem with leaving me alone with the angry man the other night. But he hits his pregnant wife? The broken-water lady continued telling me how when staff isn't around, the man calls his wife "bitch," instead of by her first name. So, later on, he needed to get into the kitchen to get a plate of food which his wife had prepared for him. I followed him and got out my keys, and he said, "So where's my plate, bi--- I mean, Shannon?" I said, "Excuse me?" He said, "Ooops, nothing. I was talking to myself!" Talk about force of habit! I was absolutely floored. He uses that word so often, he almost forgot who he was talking to! Arrrgh! He was totally fine later on--he was his normal, friendly self, joking with me, and being all excited about his new job. I am just so frustrated and disillusioned. I cannot look at him the same way. The broken-water lady's room is near the man & his wife's, and she says she sometimes hears screaming coming out of there. Reality is a bitch.

Also, the pregnant girl who almost got her ass kicked by the 300 pound kid the other night came to me with an upsetting story. She spat out bits and pieces of detail about her time away from the shelter early this fall. She had just moved out on her own, to Chicago with some friends. She was at the bars one night, when she got jumped in an alley, beaten nearly to death, and then "dragged to a hotel room." She stopped there, and I vaguely asked "why" he took her to a hotel room, and she shrugged, and then never clearly explained how she got away, or what happened before she did. I do remember her being beaten to hell the first time I saw her, but I had no idea how horrible an ordeal she'd been through. And now she's five months pregnant. The timing is perfect...I think she is carrying a rape baby. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but it makes perfect sense. She said the man was a large, African-American guy. Ever since returning to the shelter, this girl has been strangely racist. She called another case manager a "black bitch," and that guy she FLIPPED out on the other night in my defense was a large Black man. I think that entire scenario has carried over into her life now, and since she's never fully discussed the details with anyone, it's eating her up. Of course, this is all circumstantial, but I have such a strong feeling about this. I am so incredibly angry for this girl. I want to talk to her about it, but she has such a volatile temper, and is very reserved with her feelings. But I see how affected she is...and I see her smoking pot and cigarettes and picking fights while pregnant...as though she doesn't give a shit about this baby. And if it's a rape baby, as I strongly suspect it is, I understand why she feels like this. I guess we'll see if the baby's half Black...I know for a fact her ex-boyfriend is White, and she's never dated a Black guy. But I am pretty sure I already know what to expect here. And it infuriates me.

I cannot stress how fucking MAD I am right now. What the hell is the matter with people? I know it's not just men, but right now, there are two men who have affected people I feel very protective of, and I just want to snap. If I could find the man who did beat the FUCK out of that girl, and more than likely raped her and impregnated her, I don't know WHAT I would do. At this moment, I feel like I could all but kill him. To hell with jail, the law, etc. I want him to feel his nose breaking, and his eyes swelling shut, and his collar bone snapping, like that poor girl did. Of course, there's no way I can ram a penis into him and force him to carry an unwanted baby for nine months, but I'm sure I can do something to make up for that. And the other guy...if I EVER see him so much as look at his pregnant wife the wrong way...I mean, I don't want to lose my job, but I don't want her to lose her baby (or any more self-respect than she already has). AAAAAAAAAGH. I just want to fucking scream. This is insane. Maybe one of you men out there can tell me: WHAT MAKES SOME OF YOU DO SHIT LIKE THIS? It blows my mind, and it makes me sick. How can you act like you give a shit about one woman *possibly* being in danger, but then turn around and not only slam your fist into your pregnant wife, but risk the life of your unborn child? And how can you just grab a total stranger in a Chicago alley, use her face as a punching bag, rape her, and then toss her back out on the street?

I need to stop this tirade. I don't want to sound like a Femi-Nazi. I love me some guys...but I just don't understand how some can be so normal and wonderful, and others can do this to women they don't know....or even worse, to the women who trust them.

I need a cigarette.